Yes, I’m having one of those moments. They used to come more frequently after my Mom passed away.
You would think that after 19 years I would be over it by now. Doesn’t time heal all pain?
That’s what it was supposed to do. But it really doesn’t. Not for everything.
I’m alone in the house right now. Well, by alone, I mean I’m the only one awake. I can’t sleep. I’m stressed out, I’m anxious, I’m overtired…..whatever else kind of excuse I can use.
On a normal day I am the most upbeat, happy individual going. People have told me for years that my smile has gotten them through the worst of times. And for the most part I am always smiling. At least when I’m around others.
But sometimes, like now, I just feel like crawling into bed and crying…for days. Why is that?
Am I depressed?
Am I crazy?
Some people have suggested it’s due to my ‘time of the month’. But it’s not every month that this happens. And it’s not always at the same time.
‘Take a pill’ is mostly what I hear. There’s a medication for everything. Unfortunately, taking a pill doesn’t fix the problem…it simply masks the symptoms.
I have a home. I have a man who loves me dearly. I have three beautiful children who are all healthy. I have food in our fridge and money in my pocket.
I have more than a large portion of our planet’s population has. What could I possibly have to be sad about?
As I said, for the most part I am great. Laughing and smiling, joking around with everyone. But every once in a while….
all I can think about are the bad things….people that I’ve lost…..hurts that I’ve endured…..things that I haven’t yet achieved….and on top of all that….I miss everyone….I love everyone…even the people that I have chosen to not have in my life anymore.
I picture them….and they’re smiling at me….and I feel such love. And it makes me so very very emotional.
And then I cry. I don’t want to cry. But since when are we able to stop that from happening?
And once I start, I cannot stop. And then I want my Mommy. I feel like I’m 5 again and I just know that being in Mom’s lap will make it all go away. There are so many people that still have their mothers in their lives. They take them for granted. They complain about them. They avoid the phone calls.
I would give almost anything to have my Mom here again, telling me I need to do something with my hair. I try really hard to remember her voice….or how her hand felt when she touched my cheek. It seems to get harder and harder every year.
I want to introduce her to her grandchildren. So she can see how Cecely has grown into such a beautiful young lady. Nanny spoiled her little granddaughter something fierce in that short time they had together. I want her to meet Justice who is so much like her that it scares me some days. And I’m thinking she might be able to help wrangle Braeden sometimes when I feel that I can’t. I want to show her my garden and see the excitement in her eyes. I want to sit with her on my front porch and have a tea.
More than anything I want to see who she would be today. How would she have her hair? What kind of clothes would she wear now….and what would she think of the internet…so many things I want to tell her, ask her…share with her. I never got to know her as an adult. Would she be proud of me today and who I have become?
I’m sure she would adore Peter, who also misses his Mommy. Maybe they’re together, having tea or watching ‘Another World’. I wonder if they know we think about them every day.
And now that the tears have subsided…the tiredness sets in….I am always exhausted, feeling my tense muscles relax. Now I can go to sleep.
Where my Mom will be waiting….for that much needed hug. And all will be better tomorrow.
Love you & miss you Mom
